


It's this blank, tornado of emotions

by AnotherWorld3111



Series: What if it's Your Thoughts You Want to Silence? [4]
Category: Original Work, Supernatural
Genre: Depression, POV Second Person, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Visual representation of emotions via usage of colors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 00:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16713118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherWorld3111/pseuds/AnotherWorld3111
Summary: Mari,I'm so. So. So sorry.





	It's this blank, tornado of emotions

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm kinda fucked in the head as y'all know if you've read the first part of this series. This doesn't haaaave to be spn related, but i figured if you want you can read the main character as Dean, or anyone I guess. Reason I actually am putting this into the spn fandom is cuz 1) all my works are actually spn related idk how id feel putting something out there thats just so raw and me without like some sort of excuse i guess? and B)  
> I didn't reply to any of y'all... but know that I did read your responses, and  
> and i appreciated it more than you thought, even the ones where you said you felt the same. because, like I've mentioned, i always doubt that what I'm feeling is real, not just some bs shit where I'm victimizing myself or something, but when you guys said that you felt the same? idk, i guess it made me be like, okay, maybe my weekly appointments aren't completely useless?  
> this is getting long... read end notes i guess for pt. 2 of my word vomit?

There’s nothing light about it.

That’s it. That’s what it is. Everything but that. It’s darkness within you, gray virus taking over your organs, your pure blood, your oxygen. Seeps through your brain, settles a gray haze over your eyes. The sun is out, but all you see are shadows.

It corrupts, taints, shuts down your system. You’re still moving, but are you really? Yes, you’re on automatic, see, feel, but everything is weighed down.

Your toes, your ankles, your knees, your hips, your chest, your shoulders, your arms, your hands, your head. Your skull, your mind.

They say you’re mad, sad, upset, but you don’t agree, don’t understand, everything is too blank for that. They’re just not used to seeing you without your smiles, wide, easy, unrestrained. Fake, plastic, that porcelain mask. You don’t have the energy ti stand up, go find it from wherever you’ve dropped it, cracked it, left to fix for later. Not now, not now.

Anger, discontent, frustration it arises at the memory of the source of where it all started from this time. You desperately pray for the emptiness to come back and take you within its clutches again, to blanket you in its misconceived comfort of nothingness, to let it envelope you in the lack of not feeling emotions, why are sensations so overwhelming, but too late. You’re washed under. 

Red, gray, red red red. Your organs, your blood, your mind? No, you don’t know, sink down to the earth, where it can be brown, green, blue, white  _ REDREDRED  _ why?

Anger. Hate. Disgust. Repulsion. You despise the feel of your own skin, wish to scratch, peel the itch this flesh this slimy piece of trash off, dig your nails in, red red red yes let it out release freed from the confining cage you are.

Blue. But not the sky.

Blue with the gray, gray with the blue. Sadness, despair, misery. Cry, cry, cry, feel those tears come out, worthless, pitiful, self-centered, so so so selfish, stuck inside your own head, can you not see they’re affected too? You’re hurting them, taking up space, time, energy –

You worm your way in, endearing, but then they see the dirt you bring in, the dirt you are. Regret, sneering, they turn away, easy, uncaring, but you hurt them, did you not? You lied, betrayed, conned your way in, you scum, now face your punishment, suffer the price your existence costs.

Black, gray, gray, emptiness. Rethink long abandoned plans, how dare you make others care, worry, feel for you, and think you can come away unscathed, how dare you think you deserve all this? This is not what is written for you, so disappear, laeve, walk away into the call of this ocean, is it water, is it your blood, is it the oxygen being ripped away from your lungs, have you finally burnt off your skin –

But maybe… 

Yes. Yes, this way, the blackblack _ black  _ will not cannot be as important anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the story behind this, is a) i think my psychiatrist needs to up my dose again, because I've been feeling generally low since m period hit but also 2) i came out to my muslim best friend as bi and.. things could have gone better, could have gone worse. either way, she isn't talking to me now, and yes, i get i should give her time, thank you kt for being sweet and patient and understanding and there for me when you can, but I'm this annoying person who easily gets affected by the relationships i form be it friends or family – my counselor says its cuz I'm an empath, other people's emotions affect me and shit. my opinion is not as decent i guess  
> god, mari, if you ever read this, which i doubt you will, but if you do...... god, I'm so fucking sorry. you keep asking me why, and i couldn't tell you, but i guess its because of dumping this on you, making you deal with this when i should have could have kept my mouth shut but didn't. I'm sorry for  
> for everything.


End file.
